Life as AFAC

I had it all planned out. I am going to Europe last week September, through the one week October holidays, then a week after that. In my early 20s I wrote down goals to reach by 30. One is to travel once a year every year around Asia and Phils, then by 30 to go to Europe. Last year I was all set to go, saved up and all, but my travel buddy backed out. Then I got expatriated to Shanghai and used one month instead to fix my papers and things. I said, okay lang, next year I will still be 30 if I go before my birthday.

This year, I planned going to London, Paris (and south of france), Italy (florence, rome, venice), The Vatican and Barcelona. Chiewy is going to London for a conference around that time and we will meet up with her friend Yen. That would be so much fun! Would’ve.

From the 3rd week of July, I was out of town most of the time. I went to Singapore for BBH Asia Creative Conference (everyone in creatives attends our conferences, not just one handpicked team). Then my cousins from UK arrived and we went to Tongli Water Town one weekend and to Guillin and Yangshuo the next. Then I went to Bangkok for two weeks for a shoot. Came back for a week then flew back to Bangkok for 5 more days. August was done. Then on the same day I arrived from Bangkok, I flew to Chicago then MIami for our BBH 25th Anniversary (again, everybody in the world was invited, all expense paid). I just arrived this Monday and called the French embassy.

“Sorry, the earliest appointment for a visa interview is on Nov 28.”

I called the Spanish embassy. The pre-recorded message kept asking me to press all these numbers then ended up with a dial tone. The italian embassy was worse. They gave me a call center number where I need to call to set an appointment, which charges 5rmb a minute, and all I get is piped-in music!!!! Minutes and minutes of piped-in music, call after call. Then all these embassies I call, majority doesn’t have english “subtitles”. Kahit websites! Of course they are not required to, but naman, majority of the tourism world speaks English or Chinese, especially in Shanghai, sana man lang for tourism’s sake they included English. I had to get a Chinese officemate translate the pre-recorded messages for me. And put most of the websites and documents in Google Translate.

The Dutch embassy, I thought, might be better. I mean, who goes there from China? I called and *HAAAAALLELUIA!* somebody answered the phone. But they don’t give individual visas and only process business or family visit which takes anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months! Plus this needs a lot more papers. I am going to give Italy and Spain one last try next week, if all else fails, then I’ll ask my uncle in The Hague to send me his Dutch papers. Hassle lang and diyahe coz he’s reaaaally busy with stuff that can really make a difference in the world. He has something to do with energy planning and searching for bio fuels at a major oil player, and he writes energy papers and economist chuva for the Philippines that I can never comprehend, and does fund-raising for Gawad Kalinga. And then little fatty me would steal some of that time and have him go to the townhall to notarize invitation letters and gather some relatively unimportant documents? Di ba super diyahe? What if the time he would spend doing that was supposedly the time he could’ve discovered the best bio diesel source? E di ako pa ang naging cause of extended global warming.

I am going to try other ways first. Like trying Spain and Italy embassies one more time next week. Like face painting for charity tomorrow to raise funds for a children’s medical fund. Mabilis ang karma. Fine-Fedex. Maybe I will make God smile and everything will be okay.

I feel so third world. Living in Shanghai makes one forget that beneath the surplus Armani dress, Class AAA fake Marc Jacobs tote and Calven Klein panties, this citizen of the world is really a third-class citizen of the world. I have to get visas everywhere when people around me don’t. I have to fly economy and “all that Axe and Charlie cologne” make my Nenuko and Angel’s Breath “evaporate into thin air.” (I don’t get bruises on my legs coz unlike that infamous excuse-of-a-journalist, I can fit on the seat.)

People in the office go to Ireland, London, Australia, US at a moment’s notice… either for a rush meeting or they just feel like it. I’m used to travelling around Southeast Asia not needing a visa (teynks God) that two weeks before a friend’s wedding in Taiwan, I forgot that I needed a visa! And Taiwan doesn’t have an embassy in Shanghai because, as my Shanghainese officemate said, “Of course, because Taiwan is not a country.” Good thing I had a darna brainstorming session in HK and I managed to get it done at the Taiwan “Cultural” Office.

When we went to the US Embassy to get visas for our Miami Conference, I was the only non-mainlander in the office that needed to apply for a visa. 9 out of 14 got denied, simply because the consul could not believe that one company will send everyone to a US conference, even those who are very new. Hasn’t he heard of Jimenez Basic?! (Well, probably not since I’m in China nga pala.) Erase. Hasn’t he heard of the devaluating dollar and the rising RMB? Hasn’t he realized that China is the safest place from terrorist attacks? Who wants to make The Dragon angry? Who wants to be blown to bits in the States when you can be run over by a bus in Shangers?

Nine colleagues were denied before my turn; and the consul had a lot of questions to me too. But all those years of post-pageant debate of who can come up with better Miss Universe answers paid off. I answered pretty well and turned on my super power dimples.

I’m sure I’d get the Shengen visa too for my European trip. But the process is soooo painful. And winter is fast approaching. Why do we need visas to their countries when they don’t need one to ours? Why can’t we go where we want to go, work where we want to work, and live where we want to live? If my grandparents’ ships docked in Singapore instead of Visayas, I’d never need a visa anywhere. (Then again, I’d have a veeeery, veeery Singaporean accent la, can or not?)

I am Third World Carol.

I just came back from Miami for the BBH Worldwide Winter Conference. It was our 25th anniversary and everybody worldwide went to Miami. London, NY, Sao Paolo, Tokyo, Shanghai and Singapore were all there. Nine of our officemates weren’t granted a US visa (matapobreng consul) so the office sent them to Maldives instead! WAWAWEE!

We were all in Doral Golf resort and spa and supposedly not allowed to go out. Bringing 800 people to Miami but not allow them to go to the South Beach is impossible. Since asia contingent arrived a day ahead, we went to the beach. Mwahahahah! I bought a cowboy/haciendero-esque hat with a rhinestoned skull that’s so miami. And I checked the tag… made in China.

I swam in the sea while the rest went shopping. It was my first time in a beach for a loooong time. Not sure if I went to a beach last year. The beach is so-so, Jeremy (singapore) and I agreed that boracay is much more beautiful and fun. We were also expecting miami vice setting–with bikini babes on rollerskates– and all we saw that morning were fat geriatrics. They say that summer was just officially over so the young babes and hunks are back in school. The boobs of women though are HUGE! Even the mannequins have extremely huge boobs. Parang sinilicone din.

Back at the resort, we had spa treatments and golf clinics and cooking lessons sponsored by BBH. I had a facial, oks lang. Some had body scrubs and massages. We Asians are so spoiled. We felt the american treatments are so-so, not that we don’t appreciate them (we do), but because we can get them anytime in asia, much better and much cheaper too! The americans and brits are so nawiwindang with the treatments, it’s the best daw. Apparently in NY it costs roughly USD120 a massage.

I went to the cooking lesson too and we all wore chef’s hats. The executive sous chef taught us how to make a cuban dish made with steak, plantains and black beans. super yummy. His assistant, a tall, charming Latino hunk sous chef is even Super yummier!!!!! I was drooling over him, not over the steak.

Then we attended seminars about The future of brands, the future of you, carbon footprints, future of film, nutrition seminars etc. The director of Leaving Las Vegas, Mike Figgis, gave a talk too. He said the last time he went to the states, he was going to direct the first episode of a TV show in Fox. When he was asked by immigration what is he going to do in America, he unwittingly said, “I am going to shoot a pilot.”

We had a star studded convention. A top journalist at channel 4 uk, the author of the book “Changing the world from 9 to 5″, the head of Mitsubishi, the head of the Carbon Neutral company etc all gave talks. And I was bewildered to find out that our whole conference was carbon neutral!!! From our flights to our food, we made about 14,000tons of carbon footprint (if I heard it right) and BBH made sure we’ve offset that by subsidizing energy programs in Jamaica, India and wherehaveyou’s. Rapidly developing countries like India and China are coal-rich, and in practical terms would never use more expensive energy such as wind power when they can use cheap coal. Even First world countries like US and UK don’t use much of the more expensive earth-friendlier power themselves. So to convince these countries to use earth-friendly means, these technologies must be subsidized so it’s made more affordable. They get these from companies like Carbon Neutral, which in turn get it from individuals and corporations like BBH.

Doral Golf resort looks and feels just like Southeast asia, but with latino servers. I relished in the outdoor pools (4 outdoors an 1 indoor as of last count) because I’d never swim outdoors in Shanghai. yaaak. But before that I was in and out of Bangkok or 3 weeks and swam in outdoor pools too so now I’m tanned.

Side story, I arrived from Bangkok at about 9am of Sept 5 and had to go back to the airport by 12:30noon for Miami! I was in airports and airplanes for possibly one and a half day! Then another one day flying back.

Back to Miami, our entertainment was bonggawagi. Tim Sweeney, NY’s top DJ, was spinning like crazy while the guys were all crossdressing! For some random reason, the company rented out dresses and even some management guys gamely wore dresses. I am not fond of music but Tim Sweeney really rocks! He is very good. And he’s the happiest DJ I’ve seen DJ-ing. He looks like he’s enjoying it more than we are. Then on our last night, after the speeches and all during dinner, the wall just dropped! As in the whole wall, which we later found out was made of cloth, dropped and Blondie and her band started playing! Everyone was at awe, and slowly get drawn to the stage as if we can’t believe our eyes and we just had a UFO sighting. After a moment, people started screaming and dancing.

Of course me being me, I didn’t recognize Blondie nor any of her songs. At first. Then midway I started to recognize some songs. YAY! But to my relief, a lot of us didn’t recognize her/their songs coz apparently she and the band was famous in the 70s. But we still enjoyed it and they still rock! But the 40’s and up really got wild. Okay, the 35’s and up. Her concert was followed by another DJ who is fairly famous but since I’m me I don’t recall him. The dance floor was wet with our drinks and while I was dancing with some random NY guy, I slipped and sprained my ankle. Syempre tayo agad and danced again to prove I’m alright. Back at the hotel room I noticed that my right foot was a little bigger than my left! hahaha. The hotel put cold compress and bandaged my ankle so I can walk to all the airports. Then US being US, somebody from Marriot’s Claims dept immediately followed up if I was okay. Takot siguro sa sue-sue. (Weeee, dito sa Shanghai I had two roadside accidents in consecutive months, and the other party didn’t even apologize or ask if I’m alright. The first one was a hit and run motorbike, the 2nd almost became a hit and run car if I didn’t bawl my asthmatic lungs out and called my officemates.) Anyway, I found it quite sweet that Marriot’s actually tried calling me then emailed me to ask for an update. I’m fine now, it’s just a bit painful but the doctor here in Shanghai said nothing seems to be broken.

The winter conference was really well organized. Everything ran smoothly, which is no mean feat, organizing not just 800 persons, but 800 crazy persons! The hotel said we were legends. Coz a fraternity just had their gathering there and the staff thought they partied hard… until we came along. Every night the party ends in the morning. But I can’t take it, after past 2 I get tired. Araneta Thunderdome na ako.

But the craziest part was, the Nigel Bogle, Sir John Hegarty, and Simon Sherwood started making wishes come true! Our theme was Futurestock and weeks before we were asked what our wishes are for the future. Syempre I gave a Ms U answer “World Peace.” But I really fear war eversince I was a kid coz I’d imagine I will be the first to die. I have another childhood dream which is to watch the aurora borealis, but I never thought of it as a wish, but as a goal. LECHE THE FOUNDERS PLAYED OPRAH AND GAVE AWAY “DRIVING IN AN F1 RACE, HANDGLIDING WHEREVER IN THE WORLD, A HONEYMOON IN VENICE, TRIPS TO EGYPT, ICELAND, ETC ETC!” I should’ve been more materialistic hahah. I should’ve written the aurora borealis instead or working in a vineyard in France (sir john owns one).

Nobody in Shanghai slept that last night coz we had to leave by 4am. We were all knocked out in the planes. But from Chicago to Shanghai, my American seatmate was very talkative and so I didn’t sleep as much. He was trying to stay awake by talking with me, buti na lang he’s fairly interesting. But at some points tinulugan ko na siya.

I am so happy to be back in Shanghai. I soooo missed the food. Grandma’s pork! Chicken soup! Xiao Long Bao! Tofu! Noodles! Kanin! The food that made me gain 10 pounds in 10 months. They all welcomed me back.